he who should not be named

It was a decade ago, i saw the picture of a guy i secretly admire. From the pictures stored on my harddrive i never knew that i'd met him in person 4yrs later. It was a day i will never forget. I was actually face to face with the man i secretly admire for years. I never imagined he'd look taller and handsome in person. I was caught off guard. I was smitten by him. We rarely talk but we did hang out several times. Times that were mostly awkward moments... we were just merely acquaintances then got back to being strangers agin. We both had to go our separate ways.. had to leave the small city behind to explore amd live in the big city... got my heart broken into pieces and promised never to allow anyone to hurt me ever again... i became pesimistic when it comes to love. I guarded my heart too long i never knew what love felt like. I was too angry with the whole world that i never let anyone near me. Then i met a guy who thought me how to play the cards, at first it was hard but then again he made me took control. I almost fell to the trap but i stood my ground. He made me win.. it was his way of saving me from the drowning walls sorrounding my heart...didn't realize then that the ghost of my past is still haunting me. Destiny may have different plans for us back then but i never thought that after 3 years our path will cross again. It was like a match made by heaven. And the rest was history... from the guy i secretly like from the pictures on my computer screen to the guy i got acquainted with more than 3yrs ago, i could not believe that i now call him my own. :)

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VITILIGO FACE OFF: Facing The Michael Jackson In Me

more than 3 months ago, my sister, eske, noticed few white hair on my left eyebrow. at first she kept on teasing me about it, and she was calling me lola, saying that those white hair only shows that i'm really old. i ignored it, thinking that after a while it will just return to its original color. Days and weeks passed, i totally forgot about it because i barely notice it.

When my nephew, Sean, was admitted at Makati Medical Center for almost a week last February, i took a lot of pictures of me and sean, when i was browsing some of my pictures, i noticed a white spot just above my left eyebrow. i ignored it because at first glance i thought it was just a reflection from the flash of the camera. a week after sean was discharged from the hospital my sister-in-law, ate jade noticed the white spot above my left eyebrow, so i checked it out, the first thing that pop into my mind that it could be what they call in my hometown "Panaw". so i texted my mom back home to ask if papa knows a herbal remedy on "panaw" also i mentioned the white hair on my eyebrow. i also told my sister who then pointed out that maybe the whitening of some hair on my eyebrow and the white patch above my eyebrow have some connection. the next day my mom texted me and told me that papa doesn't know any remedy and maybe it could be a skin disease. so i googled it, typed the keywords white patches on the face skin disease and an article about vitiligo from Wikipedia was the first one on the list.

Vitiligo (Vittle-eye-go) is a skin condition in which there is a loss of brown color (pigment) from areas of skin, resulting in irregular white patches that feel like normal skin. Funny but one article mentioned that it is also called as the "Michael Jackson's Disease" since MJ is the most popular celebrity who happens to have the same skin disorder.

i came across an article that says that in some cases the hairs on the affected area turns white. so i asked my cousin, Dr. Alvin Ravalo, for his opinion about my condition and he said that based from my description and the photo i sent him, it could be vitiligo just like the famous pampanga former governor, fr. ed panlilio and he advised me to see a dermatologist.

As i read further about Vitiligo, phrases like "rare skin disease", "cause is unknown", and "no cure" struck me, it left me hopeless and emotionally distressed.

Four agonizing days later March 19, 2011, i consulted a dermatologist and she said it looks like vitiligo but based from my story, the progress was too fast so she first gave me an anti fungal cream for a possible fungal infection.

Three weeks later, she confirmed that it is vitiligo. she gave me a very expensive topical ointment called Protopic (Tacrolimus Ointment 0.1%) made from a rare soil bacterium found only on the island of Honshu in Japan which appears to have unique qualities in suppressing immune response and it is a treatment for eczema, and only recently that it has been used in clinical studies for the treatment of vitiligo. Initial result of the treatment can be seen after 4-6 months. Even though the treatment is showing very good success in many (but not all) people who are using it, still it gave me hope.

I've been using it for a month now so i'm praying for a positive response for the succeeding months.

The white patches are much more visible today than 3 months ago. And more hair strands from my left eyebrows are turning white and only yesterday did i notice that 1 strand of my left eyelashes has turned white. NO SWIMMING, and lesser activity under the sun.

Being diagnosed with vitiligo is not easy, i was not only physically challenged but also emotionally and spiritually. My social life was also severely affected, i was afraid or if not too shy to go out of our house. Whenever i go out of the house i would put too much foundation so to conceal the white patches. But i have overcome all of that now, thanks to support of my family and friends and most especially my FAITH in God.

ACCEPTANCE is the key + PRAYER = a POSITIVE outlook in life.

I do believe that it is God's plan for me and that everything has a purpose.

Roadtrip

When my close friend, Fr. Jay Aguilar learned that i wanted to visit my newborn nephew in Manila, he asked me if i would like to tag along since he'll be leaving for manila Sunday night, April 4 together with his friend/driver, kuya serge. So i took the liberty to join them in their journey. They drop me off at SM Mega Mall where my older brother was waiting for me. I spent 5 days bonding with my brother, sis-inlaw, older sister and my newborn nephew. On the afternoon of April 9, it was time for me to go home. Fr. Jay and Kuya Serge picked me up at SM Mega Mall. On our way back home, Fr. Jay decided to drop by Villa Escudero Plantation and Resort at San Pablo City Laguna, So we did and I instantly fell in love with the place. the rustic look of the replica of a long-gone church in Intramuros that they turned into a Memorial Museum, the landscape, the ambiance, everything, was unbelievably breath taking! I even told Fr. Jay and Kuya Serge that it's where i'd like my future wedding to take place. we weren't able to explore the whole place because we had a very limited time but i'm planning to go back there in the future and enjoy a lovely vacation with my family, hopefully on my wedding day.

my own realizations about love... a reply to nadj14's REALIZATIONS ABOUT "LOVE" (PART 2)

this is my reply to the blog post of my friend.. if you're interested in her blog..feel free to read and comment about your own realizations about "love"

"some say that we're you're really in the state of "being in love," it is easier to love somebody than yourself. because in the long run, you will get to the point that you forget yourself just for the sake of the other.

we always think what's good for the other, without thinking if it's good for us.

we "give and give" without getting anything in return. we don't mind if we don't receive anything in return because we love the person."

-i totally agree in this statement... we women tend to give so much.. and we say that we don't mind if we receive nothing but mind me, WE DO MIND, unconsciously nga lng...

based on my experience kasi, i always say na i don't mind if i receive less but i know deep within me that i need more, and that I'm expecting him to give more... even though from the start I'm aware that he have difficulties in expressing his feelings.. and i know it's wrong for me to demand... that's why i get hurt easily...and

i even came to the point that i did forget about myself because i only think of his feelings, what is good for him, his happiness, i need to do this for him, i want to do this for him; i always prioritize him before anything else, i always consider him (his feelings, etc.) before i even make my personal decisions because all along i thought it is the right thing to do, i thought, what would make him happy would also make me happy, that what will make me happy would aslo make him happy, yes it does sometimes (i believe so), it did made us happy but the sad part of it is that the consequences of SOME of my actions were unjustifiable not only to me, to him, to the people around us but especially to my family.

we get hurt easily because unconsciously, we expect MORE from them,try to loosen up the tie,,, maybe sometimes they cannot stand the fact that we kept on nagging them.. let them know what you feel, what you need, try talk it over with him but DON'T DEMAND so much from them and DON'T GIVE too much. Learn how to compromise, to compensate, try to relax, take it easy, know your limitations and in that case you'll be able to give more time to yourself, to your family and especially to God. before that's what i do, i demand and expect so much from him but look at what happened to us.. but now it's clear to me.. I've learned my lessons, it's a slow process and a very difficult thing to do but i know it's worth the risk...

trust is also one factor that keeps the love burning...without trust, it's useless. why love the person when you cannot trust that person? TOUCHE! ako man lng tinamaan sa sinabi ko hehehe...

ang motor na di tulak..

laughtrip..meron palang motor na kailangan itulak muna before magstart... and take note, walang kick ung motor...hehehe
no offense sa mayari ng motor na hiniram ni Fr. Arnold ahh..hehehe
nawendang lang ako..nawala nga kalasingan ni fr. arn nang malaman namin na kailangan pala namin itulak yung motor para umandar ito....
pero kahit nawala na kalasingan ng kaibigan ko sa katutulak, ako prin ang ngdrive...
ayaw ko siyang mgdrive na lasing...
currently recovering plng siya from a serious motorcycle accident last sept.24(his second accident)... ung first last august lang siguro...
and ayaw ko ng maulit pa yun...
baka hindi na siya suwertehin...hmmmm
pero grabe.. i had a great time having dinner and drinks with my friends at molino grill...
busog na busog ako..hehehe...nasira diet ko...joke!
thanks to fr.chito for the treat... :)

hard habit to break

sometimes...

it's not love that you feel...

it may be just a feeling of attachment to someone...

developed into a HABIT...

why...

does it really have to be this unfair!? as in totally unfair...
i hate it... i can't take this anymore!
it seems that my world's been caged and locked up from all of you guys...
will this entirely be my destiny!?
when will this end!?....
i feel like moving in a slow motion...but
the world around me is in a fast paced that i can't seem to keep up....
i feel like i'm just a dummy... a puppet... with no value at all...
i feel like a multi-colored fireworks that lights up the dark sky...
you see its beauty for a while but after a few second,
with just a quick blink of your eyes... boom.! it's all gone..
and all that is left of it,,,,

NOTHING...

just a thin layer of smoke that envelopes the atmosphere...
the year just started but all I'm feeling is emptiness,,,
i know somethings' missing...
a small part of my life's empty and shallow
all these emptiness, loneliness, guilt feelings, anger, fear, disgust, all this mixed up emotions that i feel...
i just don't understand it... :'c

but still i thank God for giving me all of these hardship in life because now, i realize that i just have to trust God and i know that everything will be all right...all these negativity and emptiness...it's nothing...it's just God's way of telling me that "hey, you were never alone...I've been and will always be here for you through thick and thin..."

one hell of a party!

it was a fun filled night at my house last oct. 13, 2007... present are my choir buddies and my school buddies... foOds, juice, cake, videoke machine, san mig light, gin premium and few good friends made my simple birthday celebration a success..

trust or doubt!?

in a relationship, trust is more important than doubt. but, why do people doubt? is it because she doesn't trust the person she love or is it because she doesn't want to lose the person who gives a damn about her life!?

posted last Thursday, September 13, 2007 on my friendster blog

it hurts....

Sometimes you feel like you just wanna cry all day, collect all the pain the whole day brought you, fill your heart with anger, internalize every tear that fell from your eyes and feel numb about it. When this happen, close your eyes and cry as much as you want to and end it with a smile. Life is tough but prove that you're tougher...

:'c

posted last Monday, September 10, 2007 on my friendster blog